Not many people can say they bid $1,550 on e-bay for a pretzel resembling the Virgin Mary. Come to think of it, I doubt there is more than one person who could honestly answer the question, “Who here has bid $1,550 for a pretzel reminiscent of the Holy Mother?” in the affirmative. I feel justified in this assumption because how many e-bay auctions have there been for sacred salties that have reached above $7.25?
There are many forms of temporary madness, but many boil down to two main drives: Thrill factor and bragging rights. Both would eventually seize me as I read the article on the CNN homepage concerning a certain savory relic that had then broken the $1000 mark on e-bay. The feelings first manifested themselves as curiosity tinged with scorn. “Who could be so stupid to pay 1000 bucks for a pretzel,” I told myself as I closed Firefox and left for a Sunday dinner engagement.
As I dined the pretzel became an obsession. All over the world people where reading about it and wondering, “why would anybody pay that much for a pretzel?” Would they pray to it? Petition it? Eat is as some sort of Super-Eucharist (Not recommended as it is three years old)? I mulled the thoughts until a sweet new flavor steamed into my brain. “I want to bid on that pretzel,” I determined, pointing my Subaru Forester home through the drizzling rain.
I sorted through many listings designed to capitalize on the Holy Snack's recent popularity. T-shirts, mugs, and an animal cracker that looked suspiciously like a sideways elephant polluted the search results. I found my Grail highlighted in purple.
“The item you are bidding on is the ORIGINAL Virgin Mary Pretzel from Eugene, as seen on CNN.com!!“ I had reached Petra, the Grail would be mine.
By now the bidding was $1,525. I would have to up it by at least $25 to post a legitimate bid. I paused over the “Confirm Bid” button. I searched my heart. Was this a pure bid, or an electronic game of Russian Roulette? Then a vision opened into my mind.
I saw three shadowboxes in my living room. The one on the left would be an empty bag of Rold Golds. To the right I could see a postcard replication of Madonna With Child. In the center lie the relic itself. Pilgrims lined the outside of my tenement. They came with moist cheeks looking for relief from pains both physical and spiritual. 1512 NW Leland Drive was to become a Mecca for those who don't believe in Mecca.
I confirmed the bid. The page refreshed. A red X marred my screen. I had been outbid. Instantly my hopes were dashed, the pretzel would not be mine. I had lead the field long enough for an algorithm to run and declare me unworthy. My pilgrimage over, I returned to Camelot empty handed, carrying only a vision of what could be.
In retrospect that pretzel would have been the most foolish purchase I had ever made. The hand of providence opened wide to catch me from a plunge into high-interest Credit Card debt. Unfortunately my salvation came at another's expense. There was another willing to pay $1,575 for a piece of Internet history. Grateful I chuckle to myself and begin to write my experience, but in the back of my mind I know there is three days left until the bidding closes...
